Entering into the story

No one has it all figured out. Each of us is on a journey. Yesterday I had the privilege of going to a fundraising breakfast for a local counselling centre, and hearing bits and pieces of other people's stories. Stories which were from their real lives, which were full of hurt and rawness. Some of the stories made me uncomfortable, how much worse for the person who had to live it.
There is so much confusion, so much potential for bitterness and anger. But the thing which gave each of these people healing and hope was that there was someone willing to enter into their story. Not necessarily give advice, but sit with, listen to, ask questions, and acknowledge.
Jesus does that with us. We are all at such different places with what and how we think. With what we believe and with what we have experienced. But He meets us in our stories, He doesn't usually take us right out of the story, or "fix"/heal everything all at once. But He redeems every part of the story that we let Him. He is not uncomfortable with our past, or our mistakes, or with our shame. He enters in to join us where we are, to love us as we are, and to create out of something broken, something beautiful.
And then He makes us able to sit with others, where they are at, entering into their stories, and being part of that ongoing redemptive process.

On being barren

Tonight, I was over at a friends' house. A home where I have been made part of the family, whom I love so much.
As I was sitting and chatting with my friend on her couch, her three girls were up in their room, talking and arguing as sisters tend to do; we overheard the following exchange.
The eldest was tormenting her middle sister, as older sisters know how to do so so well, ( I remember doing similar things to my own sister) with reasonable truth, which was that they are sisters.
The older was calling the younger "sis", which the younger, who was tired and somewhat past reason, was protesting. In the midst of her trying to reason her sister into accepting that they were in fact sisters the following was said:
" But we are sisters. We have the same mom, and the same dad, and the same Kirsten. See, you are my sister! "
Undisputable, lovely, heart warming logic. I am their Kirsten!
Galatians 4:27
For it is written: "Be glad, O barren woman, who bears no children; break forth and cry aloud, you who have no labour pains; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband."
This may be out of context, but this rings true in my heart tonight.
God is good!

Lentement

Dearest friends,
I apologise for my absence. It has been too long! I had all but forgotten about this old corner of the (cob)web(ed) space.
I have taken in mind to reenter this land of sharing the good things of my life with you.
At least for the season of lent.
I am somewhat delayed, as lent did after all begin on Wednesday and it is now Sunday... However, better late than never!
First let me remind you that God answers prayer! Significant prayers, prayers of provision, prayers where we stand and trust and He moves on our behalf!
Thanks be to God!!!
Second, let me ask you, where has God been faithful in your life?
Keep praying!
Ephesians 3:20-21
Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

On turning 30

You're probably thinking: It's about time!
And you're right of course...
Birthdays are all about time,
right on time, every time!

Cheers!

here's a thought specifically for you dowjeeling

Comparison is the thief of joy.  Theodore Roosevelt

Relationships on the Potters' Wheel

I am taking a pottery class.
It's not one of those hippy, make what you feel pottery classes.
The prof. cares about technique, which is good.
Frustrating, but good.

We throw the lump onto the wheel.

Clay which has been wedged into somewhat of a cone, rounded on the bottom, and firmly pressed into the wheel, with two hands, as it spins.

One must be firm with clay. It will get away from you, quickly.
As soon as it is off centre, it will fight you, and resist your gentle nudging.
Only concentrated effort, elbows stabilized on your knees, heels of your hands holding their ground forcing the unruly clay into a cone like shape and down again into a flattened cylinder on the wheel. This is to strengthen the clay by aligning its particles like shingles overlapping one another.

To open the pot, a deceptively easy looking technique, you just make a dent in the top and push down with your fingers straight. The wheel turns, fast or slow depending on the pressure your foot applies to the pedal. Going deeper, is yet another opportunity for disaster.

Building the walls of the pot is called doing pulls. You try keeping a wheel turning moderately quickly with steady pressure from your foot, while pulling up gently but firmly on clay -applying pressure with one hand and supporting the roll of clay which is created with the other. Building up the walls and shaping them is nerve wracking business.

It is neither clean nor easy, and often I find myself holding my breath, hoping that I will not make the false move that completely destroys the pot.

Exciting though, to build something, imperfect, but beautiful (and stronger than you might think).

dancing

Oh, what place is this!
This place of freedom -
of sunlight on bare arms...
of stretch and bend, quick jumps and slow turns.

I love to dance.
Movement, under my control,
or led.

Weight transfers,
and balance,
breath and bend and stretch.

To dance is such a gift!

Today, as I moved -
stumbling yet graceful
across the kitchen floor,
I was content.

Sun streaming in,
pondering as I let my body move me
towards an understanding.

Sustained dancing requires more training,
more effort, and practice.

It requires strength,
yet flexibility,
dynamic balance
and graceful stillness.

Like an adventure, this dance,
this life, that I have been given requires strength -
to sustain the ongoing forward movement;
flexibility - to limit not the movement I so love; and
balance as I am propelled, in directions I do not always know.

Effort, but how worthwhile to be part of the dance!

so much more merciful

"Have mercy upon me, O God, according to Your loving kindness; according to the multitude of Your tender mercies, blot out my transgressions. Wash me throughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions, and my sin is always before me." Psalm 51:1-3

God,
I thank You that You are so much more merciful than I am sinful. Thank you for the multitude of Your tender mercies. I know that I am sinful and that I disappoint, that I fall - so consistently. I thank you Lord, that it is not about what I can do or how good I can be, but about how much You love me, have made provision for me, are filled with tender mercy towards me. I barely understand, but I believe.

Thanksgiving by Malcolm Guite

Thanksgiving starts with thanks for mere survival,
Just to have made it through another year
With everyone still breathing. But we share
So much beyond the outer roads we travel;
Our interweavings on a deeper level,
The modes of life embodied souls can share,
The unguessed blessings of our being here,
Threads of connection no one can unravel.
So I give thanks for our deep coinherence,
Inwoven in the web of God's own grace,
Pulling us through the grave and gate of death.
I thank Him for the truth behind appearance,
I thank Him for His light in every face,
I thank Him for us all, with every breath.

Malcolm Guite
From "Sounding the Seasons".

no fear...

" ... to rescue us from the hand of our enemies, and to enable us to serve Him without fear in holiness and righteousness before Him all our days."

I have been reading, in Luke, a song of prophecy from a man who questioned an angel and was given a lengthy "time out". Zechariah, husband of the childless Elizabeth, was serving in the temple when an angel told him that he would have a son. This was a real man. An older man, who had had years of disappointments, years of waiting and hoping, of watching his wife feel disappointment and disgrace. A man who believed in God and was faithful. He was going through the motions, serving in the temple, a great honour, but was startled- was not expecting what, or rather who, came. And definitely not expecting the news he brought. A son! A son? Really?

"How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well along in years."

I love these stories. I love God's mercy and His provision. I love that He hears and answers prayers of those of use who believe, but not always that God is going to do more than we could ask or imagine. He hears and answers the prayers of those of us who forget that God is a giver of good gifts. Those like me, who pray, but sometimes wonder if we should pray about something as worldly as a husband, or children, or health and healing, or provision of food, or money or clothes, or safety, or protection.

God, I am grateful that we did not receive a spirit that makes us slaves again to fear, but we received the Spirit of sonship. And by HIM we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. (Now if we are children, then we are heirs - heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in His sufferings in order that we may also share in His glory. ) Teach us Lord to be led by Your Spirit because we are Your children. Teach us not to be afraid to have desires, nor to surrender them to You. We acknowledge that our hearts are sometimes fearful for the things we do not have, but we surrender those to You. Knowing full well that only You meet our true desire, only You meet our needs. Be glorified in us Oh Lord. Your Kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Amen.

Romans 8:15-17. Luke 2:11-20, 67-75.

vague prompts

I'm supposed to write a blog, but the notes I wrote to myself are:

"blog-cat-weddings-life-life-rubik cube"

I have no idea what that was about. I think there was supposed to be something about grace in there? Maybe about how sometimes cats and weddings and life give you ideas that seem obvious to blog about, but are a little too vague as prompts after the fact? That reminds me of the few times I've woken up from a dream that I really wanted to remember so have made notes on what ever piece of scrap paper was by my bed, only to find some incomprehensible scribble in the morning. Isn't it sad how sometimes we forget our best ideas?

Ok, here's what I probably wanted to tell you.

A) I got a cat. Well he's a kitten actually. His name is Mr. Wickham and I defy anybody to produce such a son-in-law. Also, when he's scared, instead of all his fur puffing up, just the hair over his spine puffs up- so that that he has a mohawk!

B) Sometimes we want weddings/life to be beautiful superficially; everything going exactly according to our plan. However, where then would there be room for grace? There is freedom and joy and treasure in allowing for unexpected blessings, for others being able to serve in love, and to be a part of the moments being formed, to have purpose and not just spectator seats in the midst of the memories being created.  Cherish the room God has given us and others to love each other in our imperfections.

C) Rubik cube situations in life are those instances that you try to figure out, arrange as neatly as you can, sort, and plan, and manipulate carefully to get everything lined up perfectly. Sometimes as intent as you are, you just can't make the colours line up. Sometimes, you sort everything out, and someone comes along and rearranges it so that they can solve it for themselves.

Ta-DA!

Also; did you know they operate on lions?

Re-Reading

I have been attempting, these last 8 months, to read the bible through. Reading the Old Testament was an accomplishment, as one might suspect. I did not expect though that I would have such trouble reading through the New Testament. There is so much! As slowly as I have been reading, I feel as though I am reading too fast, missing too much, not understanding enough.
Then two nights ago, I was lying in bed, reading (I'm finally in Mark!) too quickly because I wanted to go to shut my eyes and go to sleep and Mark 7:37 happened.

People were overwhelmed with amazement. "He has done everything well," they said. "He even makes the deaf hear and the mute speak."

I didn't retain very much of what I read that night, but that realization held me. "Yes!"my soul said, " You DO do ALL things WELL!"

Love songs

love songs and holds, music making
scripts written by the master creative director
adventures paced by heart beats
breathe in life, my dear, and be content
for you are loved

of fellowship and solitude

On fellowship and solitude Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes:

"Each by itself has profound pitfalls and perils. One who wants fellowship without solitude plunges into the void of words and feelings, and one who seeks solitude without fellowship perishes in the abyss of vanity, self-infatuation, and despair."

Here I find myself, once again, in a new place that has already held both joy and heartache. This is a real place, of both distasteful facades and pockets of surprising loveliness. I did again what I always do, figure out for God how I think things should work, what things should fall into place and what should not happen. And once again my Heavenly Father has reminded me that He does indeed know better than me.

I have yet to find that dynamic balance between fellowship and solitude. The loneliness of a new place is often not in the absence of people, but the required shallowness of wading into friendships and making wise connections gradually. The effort required in new relationships, the necessary time and exposure to meet a depth of trust, transparency and authenticity makes solitude both imperative and difficult.

Taking the time to be solo, and listening without impatience, I find more difficult at this time. It is perhaps a laziness brought on by the favorable report that one can give of having spent time with people, and the exhaustion that that sometimes results in. The lack of energy hindering a full and meaningful solitude which takes more effort than one might think.

Lord meet me in this place, centre me in Yourself.

Jonah; revisited

Remember a while back, I was wondering what direction to take in life, and I referred to Jonah? Today Jonah was revisited, but from a whole different perspective! Yes, the story of Jonah is about obedience,  but it is about so much more...

Jonah is a lesson in misunderstood theology (Chris Pacholczak). Jonah got mad at God for being gracious and compassionate to the Assyrians, for relenting from sending calamity on them (Jonah 4:2). Here God is setting up something beautiful, layered with meaning, about who He is and how He operates.

Lately I've been learning about dramatic change; that it doesn't just happen all at once. That this faith journey that I'm on requires continuous openness to God's leading.

This morning we contemplated a vision that Peter had one hungry midday in Acts 10:9-16. God's chosen people knew and abided by laws that distinguished between clean and unclean, and here Peter is given a word about that very subject. God says "Do not call anything impure that God has made clean." Then some Gentile men, "unclean" by the standards of Jewish law, come to him.

We know from previous verses that these men have been sent by Cornelius, a Roman centurion, a Gentile, a powerful man who has a reputation of faith, following his own vision from God. Cornelius' faith makes him heard by God and leads him to send for Peter. Peters' faith requires obedience in setting aside previous laws and rules about what makes a person acceptable before God, according to the new covenant. Prompted by God, Peter invites these Gentiles in to eat with him. (Perhaps he remembers a lesson from Matthew 15:8-9, 17-20).

That is a dramatic change. A Jew eating with a Gentile; recognizing that he is not to call impure what God has made clean.

The question was asked of us this morning: Do your prejudices keep you from praying for certain people? Is there a person or a collection of people that you believe are unworthy of God's saving? Have you written anyone off because of your own ideas of God's requirements? Will you be like Jonah angry at God for His compassion and mercy?

What does it take to be saved?

The sign of the prophet Jonah in Matthew 12:38-41 is layered with meaning. This is not just that Christ died and rose again on the third day. Verse 41 says that "The men of Nineveh (not Israel) will stand up at the judgment with this generation (Israelites) and condemn it; for they repented at the preaching of Jonah, and now one greater than Jonah is here." This means that unclean Gentiles who had repented; who had believed the message that disaster was coming upon them - because of how they were living and who they were worshipping- and turned away from those things to worship the one true God instead, were redeemed and made clean. That it is a heart matter as to whether or not you will be saved, not a matter of following rules, or having been born to a certain people group.

Some of the people of Israel - the high priests, the Pharisees and Sadducees, like Jonah, were angry about the message that not all Israel would be saved, and that some Gentiles would be.

Are we going to be like Jonah, angry at who gets salvation, who gets to be rescued from the exile that started at the garden of Eden?

Are we going to withhold the opportunity for redemption from those we believe to be unclean?

Do I need to be making any dramatic changes in the way that I pray for people? Or in the way that I associate and interact with people? Do I need to reconsider who it is that I believe that God is able to redeem and make clean?

planning... Joseph style

Dear Joseph,
What an encouragement you have been to me this past week! Reading and savouring your story; promises of great and wonderful things followed by heartbreak and abandonment, slavery and false accusations, imprisonment and being disremembered.
This slow, seemingly hopeless, unfolding of history is full of real pain, real loss, real struggles. But then, to witness through the pages of your biography the victory that God had through you! Victory not just for yourself, or for your family, but also for the nation of Egypt! How God can use the real obstacles and situations in our lives for victory, not just for ourselves, but for His will to be done on earth as it is in heaven.
What triumph! What hope that brings me, and such encouragement to continue to press on and press in.
Thank you for being faithful to the God of your fathers, to your God.
Sincerely,
Kirstenski

a painful parable

One of the things I aspire to do in this new year is to learn how to cross country ski. You know those women? Those athletic, graceful, good at everything they try and make it look easy women? I am not one of those. I am tall and gangly, I often trip over my own feet, or run into doorways instead of walking through them. But I am an northern Ontarian now... and with this identity comes specific obligations. I feel that a minimal amount of outdoorsyness is required. So on Friday, I enlisted a wonderful and patient friend to walk me through the basics. I pulled on the boots, and felt that I at least looked the part, carried my rental skies across the terrain watching people of all ages gliding blissfully without a care or concern past me and onto the trail. They made it look easy. "I can do this!" I thought with enthusiasm. So I stepped into the first ski, slipped and wobbled a little, got my bearings, stepped into the second ski and started sliding backwards down the slope. My friend talked me through the essentials, I nodded bravely, not feeling nearly so confident now that my feet had elongated several feet in either direction and become both slippery and rather unruly. And away we went. Over hill and dale, (mostly hill) with me consistently wiping out at the bottom of each slope. Truthfully, I wanted to quit. Have you ever seen "A League of Their Own"? It's a baseball movie; Tom Hanks, Geena Davis, Madonna?  Anyway, one of the ball players slides into home and gets this wicked huge multicoloured bruise. I have one of those - you might say it's in a league of its' own...
So there I was, out skiing, wanting to quit but having to keep getting up and moving forward. As much as I wanted to just sit in a snow bank, I couldn't. Life is like that. There are times when there are some pretty epic wipeouts, some pretty painful moments for your posterior, times when you'd rather not continue because you might fall again and that, as you have just experienced, will most likely be more painful than you care to endure. But we still have to keep moving forward.
There were, even in that short experience, also moments of triumph. The victory of not crashing at the bottom of a hill. The thrill of a good rhythm and glide (on the dale portion). The wonder of a silent and beautiful not too cold night. The blessing of a good travelling companion who encouraged me and waited with me and winced for me with each crash.
God is good, and He is worth travelling forward with. In this new year, let's not miss the victory moments because we're too afraid or too hurt or too stubborn to keep moving forward.

Hebrews 12:1-2 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the  race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Psalm 2012

Oh LORD, my God and King; my faithful provider! You have brought me from the west to the east and back again. You order my steps even when I have no idea where I am going. You have directed and propelled me even, guiding and guarding me through sorrow and heartache. You have blessed me abundantly with friendships that keep my heart focused on You. Though I have failed and slipped, Your right hand steadies me and keeps me upright. You have spoken into my life through Your word and Your Spirit. You have encouraged me and lifted up my arms. You are teaching me to rely continuously on You, to pray without ceasing, to look to You for my hope. You have reminded me that in my weakness You are strong. You are my shelter, my refuge, my strong tower. Through You and in You I have victory and life abundant. Thank You that I am found in You. Thank You that You do not let me go. Thank You that You hem me in, behind and before, that there is no where that I can go from Your presence. I will look to You to be satisfied. I will wait on You, and follow where You lead.

Mission Statement

Daily, I choose to trust in God's Sovereignty and faithfulness, to reflect His grace and love, and to sing His praises, for He is good and I am His.

Words are important, they direct our lives, sometimes whether we mean them to or not. The words we don't say can have as devastating an effect as the words we do say, which is disconcerting to say the least.

These are the words I have chosen for this stage in my life. Words that remind me of purpose.

Daily seems a bit obvious, but why then is it so hard?

Choosing aligns my volition with that of my creators'.

Trusting is keeping my faith and hope and life in Him.

God is the author of my salvation, who does not change like shifting shadows.

Sovereignty is God's rulership and dominion over Heaven and earth.

Faithfulness is the keeping of His promises.

I can not produce love or grace on my own, can only reflect it as the moon reflects the sun.

Grace is that which is given which is far better than we deserve.

Love is a verb, requiring service and self sacrifice on my part.

Singing His praises is what I have been created to do.

God alone is good.

My identity is found in Him.

to obey is better than to be emisis

So, Jonah.
Now Jonah, he hears from God, crosses his arms and stomps off in the other direction. Gets on a boat, runs into a storm, gets tossed over board, swallowed by a large fish, and after three days is vomited up in the right direction.

I don't know about you, but this sort of story makes me want to be super careful about hearing and obeying God's voice. I don't need to be anybodies indigestion... or you know.

The words on my heart are:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3 :5-6

I have also the inclination to be seeking first the kingdom of God, befriending faithfulness, and waiting.

So what does that mean?

A friend told me recently that it is better (in the context of dancing) to lead someone who will move with you, and a mentor suggested that ships are easier to steer when they are in motion than when they are still.

But how does that relate to being still and knowing that my Lord is God?

How to best be wise in this situation? How to trust and seek first the kingdom in this situation?

God alone knows.

I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice. Because He listens to my cries for mercy therefore I will call on Him all the days of my life. Ps 116:1-2