so much more merciful

"Have mercy upon me, O God, according to Your loving kindness; according to the multitude of Your tender mercies, blot out my transgressions. Wash me throughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions, and my sin is always before me." Psalm 51:1-3

God,
I thank You that You are so much more merciful than I am sinful. Thank you for the multitude of Your tender mercies. I know that I am sinful and that I disappoint, that I fall - so consistently. I thank you Lord, that it is not about what I can do or how good I can be, but about how much You love me, have made provision for me, are filled with tender mercy towards me. I barely understand, but I believe.

Thanksgiving by Malcolm Guite

Thanksgiving starts with thanks for mere survival,
Just to have made it through another year
With everyone still breathing. But we share
So much beyond the outer roads we travel;
Our interweavings on a deeper level,
The modes of life embodied souls can share,
The unguessed blessings of our being here,
Threads of connection no one can unravel.
So I give thanks for our deep coinherence,
Inwoven in the web of God's own grace,
Pulling us through the grave and gate of death.
I thank Him for the truth behind appearance,
I thank Him for His light in every face,
I thank Him for us all, with every breath.

Malcolm Guite
From "Sounding the Seasons".

no fear...

" ... to rescue us from the hand of our enemies, and to enable us to serve Him without fear in holiness and righteousness before Him all our days."

I have been reading, in Luke, a song of prophecy from a man who questioned an angel and was given a lengthy "time out". Zechariah, husband of the childless Elizabeth, was serving in the temple when an angel told him that he would have a son. This was a real man. An older man, who had had years of disappointments, years of waiting and hoping, of watching his wife feel disappointment and disgrace. A man who believed in God and was faithful. He was going through the motions, serving in the temple, a great honour, but was startled- was not expecting what, or rather who, came. And definitely not expecting the news he brought. A son! A son? Really?

"How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well along in years."

I love these stories. I love God's mercy and His provision. I love that He hears and answers prayers of those of use who believe, but not always that God is going to do more than we could ask or imagine. He hears and answers the prayers of those of us who forget that God is a giver of good gifts. Those like me, who pray, but sometimes wonder if we should pray about something as worldly as a husband, or children, or health and healing, or provision of food, or money or clothes, or safety, or protection.

God, I am grateful that we did not receive a spirit that makes us slaves again to fear, but we received the Spirit of sonship. And by HIM we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. (Now if we are children, then we are heirs - heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in His sufferings in order that we may also share in His glory. ) Teach us Lord to be led by Your Spirit because we are Your children. Teach us not to be afraid to have desires, nor to surrender them to You. We acknowledge that our hearts are sometimes fearful for the things we do not have, but we surrender those to You. Knowing full well that only You meet our true desire, only You meet our needs. Be glorified in us Oh Lord. Your Kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Amen.

Romans 8:15-17. Luke 2:11-20, 67-75.

vague prompts

I'm supposed to write a blog, but the notes I wrote to myself are:

"blog-cat-weddings-life-life-rubik cube"

I have no idea what that was about. I think there was supposed to be something about grace in there? Maybe about how sometimes cats and weddings and life give you ideas that seem obvious to blog about, but are a little too vague as prompts after the fact? That reminds me of the few times I've woken up from a dream that I really wanted to remember so have made notes on what ever piece of scrap paper was by my bed, only to find some incomprehensible scribble in the morning. Isn't it sad how sometimes we forget our best ideas?

Ok, here's what I probably wanted to tell you.

A) I got a cat. Well he's a kitten actually. His name is Mr. Wickham and I defy anybody to produce such a son-in-law. Also, when he's scared, instead of all his fur puffing up, just the hair over his spine puffs up- so that that he has a mohawk!

B) Sometimes we want weddings/life to be beautiful superficially; everything going exactly according to our plan. However, where then would there be room for grace? There is freedom and joy and treasure in allowing for unexpected blessings, for others being able to serve in love, and to be a part of the moments being formed, to have purpose and not just spectator seats in the midst of the memories being created.  Cherish the room God has given us and others to love each other in our imperfections.

C) Rubik cube situations in life are those instances that you try to figure out, arrange as neatly as you can, sort, and plan, and manipulate carefully to get everything lined up perfectly. Sometimes as intent as you are, you just can't make the colours line up. Sometimes, you sort everything out, and someone comes along and rearranges it so that they can solve it for themselves.

Ta-DA!

Also; did you know they operate on lions?

Re-Reading

I have been attempting, these last 8 months, to read the bible through. Reading the Old Testament was an accomplishment, as one might suspect. I did not expect though that I would have such trouble reading through the New Testament. There is so much! As slowly as I have been reading, I feel as though I am reading too fast, missing too much, not understanding enough.
Then two nights ago, I was lying in bed, reading (I'm finally in Mark!) too quickly because I wanted to go to shut my eyes and go to sleep and Mark 7:37 happened.

People were overwhelmed with amazement. "He has done everything well," they said. "He even makes the deaf hear and the mute speak."

I didn't retain very much of what I read that night, but that realization held me. "Yes!"my soul said, " You DO do ALL things WELL!"

Love songs

love songs and holds, music making
scripts written by the master creative director
adventures paced by heart beats
breathe in life, my dear, and be content
for you are loved

of fellowship and solitude

On fellowship and solitude Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes:

"Each by itself has profound pitfalls and perils. One who wants fellowship without solitude plunges into the void of words and feelings, and one who seeks solitude without fellowship perishes in the abyss of vanity, self-infatuation, and despair."

Here I find myself, once again, in a new place that has already held both joy and heartache. This is a real place, of both distasteful facades and pockets of surprising loveliness. I did again what I always do, figure out for God how I think things should work, what things should fall into place and what should not happen. And once again my Heavenly Father has reminded me that He does indeed know better than me.

I have yet to find that dynamic balance between fellowship and solitude. The loneliness of a new place is often not in the absence of people, but the required shallowness of wading into friendships and making wise connections gradually. The effort required in new relationships, the necessary time and exposure to meet a depth of trust, transparency and authenticity makes solitude both imperative and difficult.

Taking the time to be solo, and listening without impatience, I find more difficult at this time. It is perhaps a laziness brought on by the favorable report that one can give of having spent time with people, and the exhaustion that that sometimes results in. The lack of energy hindering a full and meaningful solitude which takes more effort than one might think.

Lord meet me in this place, centre me in Yourself.

Jonah; revisited

Remember a while back, I was wondering what direction to take in life, and I referred to Jonah? Today Jonah was revisited, but from a whole different perspective! Yes, the story of Jonah is about obedience,  but it is about so much more...

Jonah is a lesson in misunderstood theology (Chris Pacholczak). Jonah got mad at God for being gracious and compassionate to the Assyrians, for relenting from sending calamity on them (Jonah 4:2). Here God is setting up something beautiful, layered with meaning, about who He is and how He operates.

Lately I've been learning about dramatic change; that it doesn't just happen all at once. That this faith journey that I'm on requires continuous openness to God's leading.

This morning we contemplated a vision that Peter had one hungry midday in Acts 10:9-16. God's chosen people knew and abided by laws that distinguished between clean and unclean, and here Peter is given a word about that very subject. God says "Do not call anything impure that God has made clean." Then some Gentile men, "unclean" by the standards of Jewish law, come to him.

We know from previous verses that these men have been sent by Cornelius, a Roman centurion, a Gentile, a powerful man who has a reputation of faith, following his own vision from God. Cornelius' faith makes him heard by God and leads him to send for Peter. Peters' faith requires obedience in setting aside previous laws and rules about what makes a person acceptable before God, according to the new covenant. Prompted by God, Peter invites these Gentiles in to eat with him. (Perhaps he remembers a lesson from Matthew 15:8-9, 17-20).

That is a dramatic change. A Jew eating with a Gentile; recognizing that he is not to call impure what God has made clean.

The question was asked of us this morning: Do your prejudices keep you from praying for certain people? Is there a person or a collection of people that you believe are unworthy of God's saving? Have you written anyone off because of your own ideas of God's requirements? Will you be like Jonah angry at God for His compassion and mercy?

What does it take to be saved?

The sign of the prophet Jonah in Matthew 12:38-41 is layered with meaning. This is not just that Christ died and rose again on the third day. Verse 41 says that "The men of Nineveh (not Israel) will stand up at the judgment with this generation (Israelites) and condemn it; for they repented at the preaching of Jonah, and now one greater than Jonah is here." This means that unclean Gentiles who had repented; who had believed the message that disaster was coming upon them - because of how they were living and who they were worshipping- and turned away from those things to worship the one true God instead, were redeemed and made clean. That it is a heart matter as to whether or not you will be saved, not a matter of following rules, or having been born to a certain people group.

Some of the people of Israel - the high priests, the Pharisees and Sadducees, like Jonah, were angry about the message that not all Israel would be saved, and that some Gentiles would be.

Are we going to be like Jonah, angry at who gets salvation, who gets to be rescued from the exile that started at the garden of Eden?

Are we going to withhold the opportunity for redemption from those we believe to be unclean?

Do I need to be making any dramatic changes in the way that I pray for people? Or in the way that I associate and interact with people? Do I need to reconsider who it is that I believe that God is able to redeem and make clean?

planning... Joseph style

Dear Joseph,
What an encouragement you have been to me this past week! Reading and savouring your story; promises of great and wonderful things followed by heartbreak and abandonment, slavery and false accusations, imprisonment and being disremembered.
This slow, seemingly hopeless, unfolding of history is full of real pain, real loss, real struggles. But then, to witness through the pages of your biography the victory that God had through you! Victory not just for yourself, or for your family, but also for the nation of Egypt! How God can use the real obstacles and situations in our lives for victory, not just for ourselves, but for His will to be done on earth as it is in heaven.
What triumph! What hope that brings me, and such encouragement to continue to press on and press in.
Thank you for being faithful to the God of your fathers, to your God.
Sincerely,
Kirstenski

a painful parable

One of the things I aspire to do in this new year is to learn how to cross country ski. You know those women? Those athletic, graceful, good at everything they try and make it look easy women? I am not one of those. I am tall and gangly, I often trip over my own feet, or run into doorways instead of walking through them. But I am an northern Ontarian now... and with this identity comes specific obligations. I feel that a minimal amount of outdoorsyness is required. So on Friday, I enlisted a wonderful and patient friend to walk me through the basics. I pulled on the boots, and felt that I at least looked the part, carried my rental skies across the terrain watching people of all ages gliding blissfully without a care or concern past me and onto the trail. They made it look easy. "I can do this!" I thought with enthusiasm. So I stepped into the first ski, slipped and wobbled a little, got my bearings, stepped into the second ski and started sliding backwards down the slope. My friend talked me through the essentials, I nodded bravely, not feeling nearly so confident now that my feet had elongated several feet in either direction and become both slippery and rather unruly. And away we went. Over hill and dale, (mostly hill) with me consistently wiping out at the bottom of each slope. Truthfully, I wanted to quit. Have you ever seen "A League of Their Own"? It's a baseball movie; Tom Hanks, Geena Davis, Madonna?  Anyway, one of the ball players slides into home and gets this wicked huge multicoloured bruise. I have one of those - you might say it's in a league of its' own...
So there I was, out skiing, wanting to quit but having to keep getting up and moving forward. As much as I wanted to just sit in a snow bank, I couldn't. Life is like that. There are times when there are some pretty epic wipeouts, some pretty painful moments for your posterior, times when you'd rather not continue because you might fall again and that, as you have just experienced, will most likely be more painful than you care to endure. But we still have to keep moving forward.
There were, even in that short experience, also moments of triumph. The victory of not crashing at the bottom of a hill. The thrill of a good rhythm and glide (on the dale portion). The wonder of a silent and beautiful not too cold night. The blessing of a good travelling companion who encouraged me and waited with me and winced for me with each crash.
God is good, and He is worth travelling forward with. In this new year, let's not miss the victory moments because we're too afraid or too hurt or too stubborn to keep moving forward.

Hebrews 12:1-2 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the  race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.

Psalm 2012

Oh LORD, my God and King; my faithful provider! You have brought me from the west to the east and back again. You order my steps even when I have no idea where I am going. You have directed and propelled me even, guiding and guarding me through sorrow and heartache. You have blessed me abundantly with friendships that keep my heart focused on You. Though I have failed and slipped, Your right hand steadies me and keeps me upright. You have spoken into my life through Your word and Your Spirit. You have encouraged me and lifted up my arms. You are teaching me to rely continuously on You, to pray without ceasing, to look to You for my hope. You have reminded me that in my weakness You are strong. You are my shelter, my refuge, my strong tower. Through You and in You I have victory and life abundant. Thank You that I am found in You. Thank You that You do not let me go. Thank You that You hem me in, behind and before, that there is no where that I can go from Your presence. I will look to You to be satisfied. I will wait on You, and follow where You lead.